IT AIN’T NECESSARILY SO
Gie Tavernier stuurt ons de volgende tekst, waarvan hij de bron niet meer kan achterhalen maar die blijkbaar bedoeld is als antwoord op kritiek op Richard Dawkins’ boek “The God delusion”. Sommigen zullen vinden dat de tekst open deuren instampt maar diegenen die zoals ik in het katholieke geloof zijn opgegroeid, zullen er wellicht smakelijk om kunnen lachen.
Gie koestert veel belangstelling in het ontmaskeren van mythen, niet alleen de katholieke. Hij verwijst daar omtrent naar de volgende sceptische sites:
“Richard Dawkins is a complete loony. I, on the other hand am a Catholic, with the following perfectly sensible beliefs.
1. Everything requires an explanation, including the observable universe.
2. The observable universe was created by an unobservable Invisible Magic Friend. This explains the observable universe.
3. The Invisible Magic Friend has existed for all eternity and therefore requires no explanation. This is entirely consistent with point 1.
4. The Invisible Magic Friend comes in three lumps: Father, Son and mum Holy Ghost.
5. There is an Invisible Magic Baddy called the Devil, who’s constantly tempting people to do bad things and stop being Catholics.
6. Every baby is born a sinner, stained with the sin of Eve, who ate a piece of fruit on the command of the Devil, then disguised as a talking snake.
7. The Invisible Magic Friend revealed himself to a bunch of Middle Eastern Semitic tribes starting about 700 B.C.E. All the other gods of the Persians, Romans, Egyptians, Greeks, Norse and Indian were just made up. Only the god of Abraham is the real Invisible Magic Friend.
8. We were all condemned to eternal damnation by the all loving Invisible Magic Friend because of the talking snake incident and it’s too good for us if you ask me.
9. The Invisible Magic Friend sent an Invisible Magic Messenger, with invisible magic white wings, called Gabriel to tell a young woman in Palestine that she was pregnant thanks to the third lump of the Invisible Magic Friend who had impregnated her with the extra chromosomes needed to conceive, and the child would be called Emmanuel, so she called him Jesus.
10. Mary’s fiancé, Joseph was a bit miffed at Mary being pregnant and having to remain a virgin for the rest of her life, but she explained about the third lump of the Invisible Magic Friend so he married her anyway.
11. Jesus did all sorts of amazing things: turning water into wine, walking on water, redoing the Elisha feeding thousands trick, spitting on people to cure them, transforming into something, raising from the dead.
12. Jesus got a bit too uppity so the Romans crucified him.
13. Two days later, he rose from the dead in accordance with the prophecy that he’d rise three days later.
14. Jesus’ death was actually a sacrifice of the second lump of the Invisible Magic Friend to all three lumps of the Invisible Magic Friend. This sacrifice was adequate compensation for the talking snake affair and you now only had to spend eternity in agony if, on average, you aren’t terribly nice while you inhabit the observable universe or until recently, you weren’t a Catholic.
15. Before going up into the sky on a cloud, Jesus said, “Peter, I’m leaving you in charge of the observable universe. Here are some magic powers.”
16. Peter went to Rome and gave his magic powers to lots of other people.
17. Only people with external genitalia can have magic powers (obviously).
18. The magic powers consist of: turning ordinary water into magic water, turning ordinary oil into magic oil, forgiving people’s sins by saying three Hail Marys as an alternative to eternal damnation, turning bread and wine into the flesh and blood of the second lump of the Invisible Magic Friend, consuming him, thus recreating the original sacrifice 2,000 years ago, and in the case of being top priest, being infallible. All this, is best done in the language of the Roman Empire.
19. Deliberately not having as many children as possible is a sin, unless you’re one of the men with magic powers who mustn’t ever touch anything hairy, wobbly or dangly, or even think about touching anything hairy, wobbly or dangly.
20. Having sex for fun is a sin.
21. When men with magic powers are discovered buggering altar boys, the appropriate action is to move them where there are some new boys and make the victims promise never to tell anyone because it was all their fault anyway, the little teasers. This turns you from just being Most Reverend into being Eminent.
22. Poofs (homos) are an inherent moral evil and a greater danger to the planet than global warming.